when we don’t carry expectations of what our growth is suppose to feel or look like, we will also carry less judgments and greater equanimity.
the work of healing and recognizing one’s self again cannot be limited to internal reflection and processing. one’s self gets reaffirmed in the outside world as well- learn with your body, revisit your passions, play with the earth.
one must grieve loss to move through it but the multitude of stories I’ve created in my mind are just ways for me to intellectually fixate on the past without actually feeling how it feels to lose.
my body tries to be present but my heart has been craving for the past.
I am my messiest, most unresolved and triggered self with family- welcome home!
maybe things get a little harder now. I may have more tools and greater mindfulness but I am in an interesting in between place. I have to face these challenging real life moments with two selves: the one who is bruised and scared to let go of habits, ego and past; the other who is healing towards transformation. one is fighting against death, the other is fighting for birth.
I can see and feel both selves so intimately.
when I sense discomfort, urgency or a craving for change, I sit longer.