let me write in short abstracts so i can keep you at a distance. you do not need to know that i have stopped meditating for a week or that i am deeply confused about my resistance towards it or how scary it is to feel disconnected from that which brings me unbelievable lightness. you do not need to know that, unlike my projection, i am not in a forward moving trajectory of growth. no, right now, i am motionless on top of a steep, steep hill not knowing if i will be falling back or forward. but either way, i know falling is my only possibility.