whenever fear has arrived, knocked its familiar knock, i have answered, welcomed and asked it to stay for tea. i have sometimes even asked it to play hide and seek with me, never remembering that fear is the master of disappearing.

stepping into fear, into messiness, into each part of me as courageously, powerfully and lovingly as i can is hard work, one of the hardest type of work that we as engaged humyns trying to just get it or not get it and accept the not getting, must do.

every experience that opens into a field for me to roll around, get pricked, bit and kissed in is a supreme experience. and saying yes, oh god, saying yes to everything the moment brings, to even the scary and ugly¹- fuck if that is not something to be proud of.

and every time i change this most rigid and tried pattern, every time i answer fear’s call with a love-full look and supportive embrace- afterall, it’s here trying to protect and care for me in its awkward way- is a time to be excited about.

¹ in my need to be absolutely clear: one can say no to let’s just say, fucked up working conditions or one’s deeply rooted insecurities but still be saying yes to the moment because it is a yes to one’s love, dignity and freedom.

(15-20 minute free-write: what have i learned from Sugarcane; what am i proud of? @ our last Sugar Cane session, which is a QPOC writing workshop with facilitator yvonne fly onakeme etaghene)

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