as i uncover polyamory¹ and my relationship to love, i ask and discover myself.
what does accountability look like?
what are both my hard and flexible boundaries?
how can i not fall into taking care of people’s feelings but remain supportive and loving?
how i respond to each question will be expressed differently with each relationship i commit to. in all of this openness and unpredictability, what are my unshakeable needs in my relationships?
there will be adult reciprocity, as opposed to paternalism:
i will not assume what’s best for them, attempt to take care of feelings, known or unknown, or enable habits in order to diffuse conflict.
i will be honest with them about where i am and have the courage to ask them where they are. i will be honest with them about what i want and have the courage to ask them in return. in this, i will remain self-supportive and supportive of them. i will have the power to receive and merge our honesty to change our relationship, feeling loss and gain wherever they are felt.
the only roles that will be played will be person loving person, person committed to person’s well being; the duality of victim and perpetrator will not be perpetuated:
i will not play “good” as the other plays “bad”, as has been the pattern in the past. this duality stifles our truth: we are both engendering unhealthy ways of relating to each other.
i will assert myself and my needs while giving them the space to assert themselves. i will recognize reactions and disrespect as such and ensure that i communicate my feelings with power, assert my inability to continue under these conditions and take space, if necessary. i will give others room to do the same.
¹ polyamory- the realization of love, connection and intimacy between multiple people, including self, through commitment and honest communication that are based in mutual love. i do not limit the confines of poly to those i have sexual and romantic relationships with.