creative observation #17: 12/12/12 @12:12 AM

it curves. in heat it draws my attention closer as every fall and opening begin to tug at the senses of my awakened self. intimacy begets intimacy. between each atom, much exists. to feel that inbetweenness, that delicious emptiness- the emptiness of being exactly as inbetween is in that moment- empty of ego, conditioning, craving or delusion. i want to live in that space inbetween.

in observation of the movement of and senses within my fingers.

remembering.

this approximate tongue does nothing for hurt. words feeling of nothing, barren of what is absolute

loss.

a loss to have lost her.

she lost in this lost world of losses-

lost souls unforgiving of a girl tryna find-

she went finding herself on tuesday at 2:46 PM, lights began to dim at 3:02 PM, so low they got 3:12 PM, until she finally lost her way

again

tuesday 3:27 PM.

repeat for 5,222 days,

five thousand two hundred and twenty two.

they liked her that way- lost and confused. lost is so easy to control, you know. tell ’em right is left, left right, circle a square and on they go asking for direction still. she the creator of her map, them the keepers.

lost, still loss.

it isn’t out of naivete that lost keeps on believin’. their heart, like all hearts, their soul, like all souls, are made of the totality of truth- knowing up from down, knowing lost from found.

but

those lost ones,

those terribly lost ones,

are made lost.

she, ripped from insides that pulsed wisdom, moulded into lost, of loss. she forgot that she ever knew how to get back, to find her way, to cast light into seeing. she forgot that she pulsed wisdom, that those unforgiving of her were lost too. she forgot, so lost in her loss of herself; this loss losing her into their lostness again.

she forgot what found felt like.

may she now remember.

your gaze wraps around every inch of flesh,

around

and

around,

like a web from which i cannot be freed.

and may i never be-

free from every melody of i love you

every symphony of kiss and orgasm,

may i never be free from you, my beloved.

and if freedom arrives one mournful day,

may i be caught once again by you,

whisper to soul,

in lifetimes soon to come.

learnings from darkness

walking in the shadows, purposefully out of focus, it was uncustomary for me to be illuminated. in dark places was where i found solace and safety, it was where i could not be found. it was where i could not be outcasted either, manhandled into the corner, into the margins. instead i was casting myself out, gently sliding into the crevices where i could not be seen, heard or bothered.

i don’t understand the term “leader” from my lived experience, to put myself so far into the light would blind me, it seems. but to be revolutionary is to be leader in some way or twist, perhaps not like how the so-called-revolutionaries-but-really-murderous-colonizers are characterized or even the watered-down-so-they’re-easier-to-swallow MLKs, Mandelas and Gandhis that our hystory books have taught us about. to be a revolutionary leader is to notice the reality of where we are- time, place and people. it is to listen to and recognize the hystorical moment as such and to act and adapt according to the need of it, the need to move it forward under the propellant of revolutionary intention, strategy and most importantly, the propellant of the many many beating hearts harmonizing liberation all at once.

to be in the light sometimes but not casting shadows, to speak loudly but never over, to inspire the people but to know that they already know, they just need to be reminded, is leadership that i’ve borne witness to but the light, the light is something my eyes are still adjustin’ to.

my strengths as a leader, the strengths that i’ve been cultivating since the days of hiding in the colors of midnight lie in listening deeply to those who i speak to and who speak back, to the time that tells me where we are at, to our people’s hystory when i will myself to know.

my strengths as a leader, the strengths that i’ve been cultivating since the days of hiding in the colors of midnight lie in thinking deeply about what i see and what i’ve been told, about learning new ways and old, about the fantastic and creative places our movement of liberation will soon go.

my strengths as a leader, the strengths that i’ve been cultivating since the days of hiding in the colors of midnight lie in going deeply into the experience of how we sense the world, into the context of why capitalism is designed to hurt us and into the strategy of how we can hurt it back so we can heal.

my strengths as a leader, the strengths that i’ve been cultivating since the days of hiding in the colors of midnight lie in supporting, in loving, in guiding the moment, the person, the people, the comrades, myself.

my strengths as a leader lie in the many many beating hearts harmonizing liberation all at once.

_____

written for a revolutionary study group in Oakland, CA.

prompt for this meeting’s readings- STORM; Tyranny of Structurelessness and Capitalism Destroys Us, Movement Heals Us: what does leadership look like to you, ideally, in political organizing and struggle? do you see yourself being / becoming a leader, politically?  what kind of leader?  what are your strengths or weaknesses according to your own ideas of what good leadership is? if you don’t believe leadership is positive, what other roles or arrangements, do you prefer, politically?