this place not feeling like home still is hitting hard these past few days.

i have an immediate reaction when something big&tragic hits the u.s. because i know all who they will immediately line up as culprit and i will fear the backlash against those/my communities, i will sense intense racism rise, i will tell my family to “be extra careful”, i will see the emotional inequity between tragedies- the outrage over a tragedy that hits an unsuspecting place because privilege rests there and not a sound for those who are more “deserving” of tragedy (i.e. those in prison, those in occupied territories, in war zones, those who are muslim and inherently terrorist, those who are black and inherently criminal, those who are any shade of brown and inherently illegal), i will await new heights of racism, dehumanization and violence through vigilantism, “security policies” and war and i will know that if the perpetrator of the tragedy is white that no war will be cast against their land, no stigma attached to their race, no analysis to “understand” the characteristics of their people and no subsequent physical/emotional violence (or threat of) to anyone or anything associated with them. and after all of this upsurge of seeing- history, present and patterns- and feeling my immediate truth attached- my rage, sadness, righteousness- i feel shame for losing my ability to empathize even amidst it all. every fucking time something tragic happens here, this is the pattern.

and it is a fucking lot.

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i have lost something too.

i

woke

up

A N G R Y

today.

over 55 dead in bombings in iraq. 
the deadliest day in over a month.
-

4 dead in u.s. drone attacks in pakistan.
-

ongoing hunger strike in guantanamo 
leave inmates nearly corpsed.
-

capitalism exploiting bodies, 
neoliberalism exporting displacement and 
occupation binding movement.

cue rage:

how dare you mourn the loss of the lives taken on your soil of red, white and blue

while you wage war on every land and people with skin of melanin

while our dead lay nameless

killed by

your police

your policies

your capitalism

your justice

while you remain patriot to a flag that hungers for power

while you carry gandhi posters, peace signs and chant

“YES WE CAN”?

.

how dare you call us

evil, violent and inherently suspect

after you’ve

gunned down,

bombed,

starved

and tortured

our mothers,

our fathers,

our families,

our people,

our land.

.

how dare you take away my ability to

grieve?

i lay awake

angry

heartbroken

for just as you

do not mourn

the loss of

our people

by your patriotism,

i can no longer

mourn the loss of

yours.

today i mourn self

for i have lost something too:

a mind that moves beyond the comparison of suffering

and a heart open so wide that it can hold the pain of

all who suffer.