heavy baggage under dropping eyes.
i wanna do everything but sit in silence, everything but get closer to insides.
it feels as if all of me is telling me not to. its ok, everything tells myself, you can miss just one more sit.
but it is my rebellious spirit, my forever guide (and misguide at times), that wants to disobey these posturings of support.
yesterday night I made a mistake. I make mistakes kinda often, I suppose. Been alone in my head and heart for so many years that I forget where I’m at sometimes. People know this about me, my fam especially. And it’s with this knowledge that I’m known by folks to be irresponsible, careless, forgetful, tardy to the party, spacey, clumsy, etc.
Since learning this, I really do try to be less of those things. but when I do exhibit those qualities, I judge myself with the voice of those who have judged me, and hard. Yesterday was one of those days. And as a strange (and mean) punishment, I told myself that I don’t deserve to sit because if i cannot have my mindfulness shift from meditation to my day-to-day then fuck it.
these were my stories yesterday in the thick of it.
today i sat. because i do make mistakes. the fucking end.