diagonally pierced heart

through the cage that holds it

eyes now the shape of pistachio

before they’re broken open

except these eyes already are

they pink instead of white

wet instead of dry

stomach compressed and coiled

maybe she entered there too

rummaging around

throwing this piece there

that piece where it never belonged

she lost something, i’m sure

or maybe it’s not her,

just something i ate

regardless

i’m familiar with pain again

not friends yet

no gifts exchanged

or nothing

just getting reacquainted

i’m noticing pain,

she runs cold.

remembering.

this approximate tongue does nothing for hurt. words feeling of nothing, barren of what is absolute

loss.

a loss to have lost her.

she lost in this lost world of losses-

lost souls unforgiving of a girl tryna find-

she went finding herself on tuesday at 2:46 PM, lights began to dim at 3:02 PM, so low they got 3:12 PM, until she finally lost her way

again

tuesday 3:27 PM.

repeat for 5,222 days,

five thousand two hundred and twenty two.

they liked her that way- lost and confused. lost is so easy to control, you know. tell ’em right is left, left right, circle a square and on they go asking for direction still. she the creator of her map, them the keepers.

lost, still loss.

it isn’t out of naivete that lost keeps on believin’. their heart, like all hearts, their soul, like all souls, are made of the totality of truth- knowing up from down, knowing lost from found.

but

those lost ones,

those terribly lost ones,

are made lost.

she, ripped from insides that pulsed wisdom, moulded into lost, of loss. she forgot that she ever knew how to get back, to find her way, to cast light into seeing. she forgot that she pulsed wisdom, that those unforgiving of her were lost too. she forgot, so lost in her loss of herself; this loss losing her into their lostness again.

she forgot what found felt like.

may she now remember.

love in progress…

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as i uncover polyamory¹ and my relationship to love, i ask and discover myself.

what does accountability look like?

what are both my hard and flexible boundaries?

how can i not fall into taking care of people’s feelings but remain supportive and loving?

how i respond to each question will be expressed differently with each relationship i commit to. in all of this openness and unpredictability, what are my unshakeable needs in my relationships?

there will be adult reciprocity, as opposed to paternalism:

i will not assume what’s best for them, attempt to take care of feelings, known or unknown, or enable habits in order to diffuse conflict.

will be honest with them about where i am and have the courage to ask them where they are. i will be honest with them about what i want and have the courage to ask them in return. in this, i will remain self-supportive and supportive of them. i will have the power to receive and merge our honesty to change our relationship, feeling loss and gain wherever they are felt.

the only roles that will be played will be person loving person, person committed to person’s well being; the duality of victim and perpetrator will not be perpetuated:

i will not play “good” as the other plays “bad”, as has been the pattern in the past. this duality stifles our truth: we are both engendering unhealthy ways of relating to each other.

will assert myself and my needs while giving them the space to assert themselves. i will recognize reactions and disrespect as such and ensure that i communicate my feelings with power, assert my inability to continue under these conditions and take space, if necessary. i will give others room to do the same.

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¹ polyamory- the realization of love, connection and intimacy between multiple people, including self, through commitment and honest communication that are based in mutual love. i do not limit the confines of poly to those i have sexual and romantic relationships with.